One year ago I was in pain and it lasted for more than eight month. The pain I'm feeling right now is worse.

Meine Pulsschlagader brennt nicht mehr, sie ist nicht mehr zu voll

My blood is burning and I'm letting it out so I don't burn up

"Ganz ruhig. Ich bin da. Atme mit mir. Ein. Aus. Ein. Aus. Ein. Aus. Ein. Aus... Du bist nicht allein."

You handled me while I panicked, you breathed with me and calmed me. You held my face in your hands and pulled me to yours.
You knew what happened in the second it happened and you knew exactly what to do because you listened to me and remembered. Because I mean something to you.

When your friends heard my voice in your voicemails and exactly knew that it was me, I knew I made it.

I'm not cute anymore, I'm not that sweet anymore. That's what you think. The truth is, that I've never been cute and lovely. You made me sweet, you melted me and my bitterness. I jumped in your arms and wouldn't let go of you. I made the cutest noises when I received your texts. I talked about you in the highest voice and couldn't stop smiling. You changed my bitter attitude to sweet. And you told me you do want me, but not today. My smile froze and I am afraid to jump in your arms again. But I still talk about you in the highest voice, I still make mouse-like noises when I receive your texts. I'm still sweet, sweeter than I've ever been. I just want to jump in your arms again. I crave you and your smile and I crave the sweet taste you leave in my mouth. But why should I show my sweet attitude if you don't want me like that today? I want to be addicted to you so bad, please be my drug.

I used to stare at my hands, trying to remember how they looked in yours. I tried to remember how your skin felt, I tried to remember your heat and I remembered my feelings.
But I failed to remember how you would turn away from me at night, how I tried to cuddle up behind your back. I failed to remember how you made me cry because you didn't answer your phone. I failed to remember how you wouldn't open up to me, how you wouldn't talk about our problems and how you wouldn't accept your flaws.
I remember now.

Exactly one year ago, i looked at my phone and forgot how to breathe.
I learned to breathe again. I am breathing. I am smiling. I am living.
I am happy.

I felt the colour red today, intense and warm. It turned pink, I was at peace with myself, happy.
It turned purple, bittersweet and afraid, it still drives me insane.
Blue killed me, blue made me feel worthless.
It turned grey, everything is grey. I don't feel. I don't feel anything.

You kissed me and I felt colours, they ran me down like waves. I died in your arms and was alive for the first time.

And in the end I keep coming back to you because they treat me like a queen but I need you to touch me like a slut.
Cause I'm yours everytime you call me names and I die inside your arms when you make me feel worthless. Don't tell me you love me, don't care about me. Tell me you want me, take me whenever you feel like it.

I burned my skin but it didn't stop the storm raging in my body

You said you'd drop everything and visit me in hospital. We'll see about that.

I want to die without you

I just learned to breathe again, now I'm suffocating. And the mistake was to breathe through your lips and trying not to die until you could fill my lungs with air

Tease me all you want, but only if you can handle me when I'm angry. And you know pretty damn good, the only way to handle me when I'm angry is shutting my mouth with your lips.